Category: My Personal Stories

The Feminine in a Man

This is what the feminine looks like in This man: As I notice a fear arising, I imagine the courage it takes for someone to ‘come out’. And so I thank my gay brothers … esp Greg Gondron & David Govaker … for challenging & supporting me to clean up my homophobic imprint. It will never go away, but each clear and fearless declaration reclaims more territory. So here goes … 🌈 My Emotional Landscape: Many of my feelings are messy, uncomfortable, and painful, bringing gut-wrenching wails and buckets of tears. In no part of me do I believe that… Read more »

Here I Am

Shimmering, watery lights, exploding through the ceiling of my fears. I open to the expanse of 700 million stars. At once I ascend, free and unencumbered only to be dropped back into the flood. Dirty water pulsing with dead horses, lifeless limbs, long leggy ladies looking with longing. I flail my arms, kick my legs, only to remain in the same place. Saudi jets, small cars with large trailers, angry dykes, they offer me their cold white hands. I reach out to take hold, only to collapse back in, sad, empty, alone. What is the beautiful, I ask? What… Read more »

The Face of Magic

Barefoot I descend along the narrow diamond-backed passageway that twists and turns and undulates deeper towards the center of the storm. The stone wall opens, the waves rise on all sides so close I can feel drops hitting my face. An unseen force carries me along, so terrifying, yet I open and surrender merging with the currents as each frozen part of me thaws, dissolving into the vast blackness. In slow motion, I rest at the bottom. All is still, no sound except the tickling of a black baby grand. And there she sits, naked black body glistening, swaying… Read more »

Black Mother Snake

Earth bound, slithering through the slime and shit of an existential hole in time, unable to see the sky. Longing to spread my wings of delight and ascend the silver stairs to the sun. Condemned and blessed to feel the ryhthms of the snake dance, taught by naked black dykes who copulate with crocodiles, surrounded by fools, hoodlums, and Chinese Kung Fu fighters who sing the anthem to the darkness. Seeking shelter from the smelly swamp, clawing and scratching to get to the top of the pyramid, only to tumble down, again, broken wings, scarred right hand, naked, terrified,… Read more »

Nurturant Fathers

As a boy, I learned to interact in the world through engaging my father. He was my liaison outside the home. I learned how to play, work, gather information about the natural world, its rules, laws, conflicts, competition. I learned how to build, create, value and appraise the overwhelming experiences that lay outside the relative safety of home. When my father was patient and encouraging, it was okay for me to take risks, make mistakes, test my environment, become an active participant in my life. I loved the thrill of being tossed up in the air and caught in… Read more »

Juicy Men

Sometimes a wave comes over my body, from where I do not know. It comes quietly, leaves quickly. Time passes, sometimes it comes again, this time more insistent. I ignore it. When it comes the third time, I say: “Okay, I’m up.” I am learning to listen more closely to this energy. It is an invitation from the not-knowing … an intuition, an angel, a guide, my inner wisdom, my soul, all of these. Often painful to hear, always gifts to bear. They are sweepings from the underground fire, obscured by shadow, dimly lit by a flickering candle. If… Read more »

The Grandmothers Are Alive in Me

Many years ago, I had this dream: “I am in the basement of an old house, stone walls, low ceiling, dank, dark, musty, cobwebs everywhere. I walk down the corridor, there is a door on the left. Old, wooden, heavy, I push hard, it stubbornly opens. The room is large, dimly lit, I see a dozen old women scattered randomly. Each one sits on a stool in front of a large cooking pot. They jabber away in a long-forgotten tongue, I know what they are saying. One nona waves, motioning me to come over. She has a scarf on her head,… Read more »

Resolving Father Issues

Recently, my brother Al from Florida visited us here in Tucson. We traveled via moto to see our 98 year old dad living in Sun City, AZ. In men’s work, our initial focus in reclaiming the Deep Masculine consciousness is usually the doorway through the Father Complex. For it is through our father’s imprint that we first learn what masculinity is. I no longer believe that we ever truly ‘heal’ anything, at least not as a human being in this particular time & place in the universe. The soul enters the body through the wound, and while it is… Read more »

Integration: my S/He Dream

My primary interior work is finding balance along the lines of masculine & feminine energies within my everyday life. To me, the yin-yang symbol represents my inner fluidity, and the cross represents the interplay between my inner life and my relationship with the other. When I am conscious along the vertical axis … connecting head/heart/gut/sex&creativity … my actions in the world reflect that. When I am unconscious along the vertical … disconnections up & down these 4 energy centers … my actions in the world reflect that. Confucius said: The secret of life is being true to Self (I) AND good… Read more »